Julian Patterson

Julian Patterson's satirical column chronicles the absurdity of life in the NHS. It is sent to Daily Insight subscribers on Friday afternoon.

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Celebrate the NHS's big birthday! (or get a new job)


We’re only a month away from the 75 anniversary of the country’s favourite health service. In the run-up to the celebrations, Julian Patterson answers readers’ birthday-related questions

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Pointless exercise will be ‘most thorough ever’


A body set up to find out what arm’s-length bodies do could have sweeping powers to change their branding and influence their slide decks, reports Julian Patterson

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Vegan goujons: a dangerous precedent for NHS policy making


When there’s important work to be done, the top team at NHS Blithering don’t waste time getting down to business. By Julian Patterson

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Exclusive: ICB leader declares 'I will not resign'


The NHS has been rocked to its foundations by news that a prominent integrated care system boss has no plans to resign, writes Julian Patterson

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Lack of talent no bar to a successful NHS career


Sir Trevor Longstay has been doing his bit to inspire the next generation of leaders. Julian Patterson reports from Sir Trevor’s alma mater

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How a naked Chris Ham inspired my conversion to PHM


Dr David Rummage, emeritus professor of digital healthcare and metaverse studies at the University of Blithering, argues that we ignore population health management systems at our peril. Interview by Julian Patterson

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Wanted: national director of debacles


There’s never been a better time to look for a new job – just ask junior doctors. We’ve scoured the recruitment pages for a selection of the best openings for senior NHS management talent. Julian Patterson presents his top picks

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Freedom for the compliant


More recommendations, more key takeaways, more pages. The Longstay Report is bigger and even more explosive than the Fuller Stocktake and the Hewitt Review. The report’s author Sir Trevor Longstay shares its hard-hitting conclusions with Julian Patterson

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From firebrand to fire extinguisher


How was Chris Hopson turned? What happened in the basement? Did junior doctors cause covid? Julian Patterson has the answers

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How why matters


The leadership team at NHS Blithering is never far behind NHS England when it comes to management tools. Julian Patterson has the latest from the world of transformation

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NHS staff told to comply with new ‘Lineker laws’


Medics and managers unite against proposed rules that could stop them looking clever, compassionate and fabulous on social media. Julian Patterson reports

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'You utter bastard, Rummage!'


The country’s most challenged integrated care system has been told to restructure. The board remains as committed as ever to protecting the most vulnerable – themselves. Julian Patterson has the details

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Revealed: The science behind NHSE's new sentient care model


An ambitious new project challenges the belief that partnerships depend on chemistry. It’s all about physics, explains Julian Patterson

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How to write the perfect ICS strategy


To lose one strategy is unfortunate, to lose seven looks like carelessness. Julian Patterson reports

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How to turn the whining into winning


Former estate agent Darren Graft was dubbed the thickest ever winner of The Apprentice. After six weeks working as Lord Sugar’s business partner, Darren reinvented himself on Instagram as Britain’s leading Gen Z business influencer. Here he offers advice to NHS’s debt-ridden hospital trusts. As told to Julian Patterson.

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Say 'hello' to Completely Blithering ICB


As the daily struggle for survival continues, it’s time to reset our strategic priorities – starting with the logo. Julian Patterson reports from the front line

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'A planet-sized financial hole filled with red ink'


NHS Blithering ICS has dropped the bombshell that its unachievable financial targets will not be achieved. Regional team director Anne Roach is ‘significantly disappointed’

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Exclusive: the Steve Barclay diaries


There’s only one Steve with the qualities to sort out the country’s ailing health system. As told to Julian Patterson

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NHS reform: 'how hard can it be?'


Three blokes in a pub are fixing the NHS. Julian Patterson is taking notes in the corner with a pint of mild

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Government tells NHS managers: ‘Waste money and you’ll go to prison’


As the NHS plunges deeper into crisis, the government is taking firm action against those responsible, reports Julian Patterson

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Staff on high alert over 'fake' health secretary


NHS staff urged to be vigilant as authorities warn about a spate of bogus officials, reports Julian Patterson

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'Merry Christmas, you're fired'


The NHS Blithering board meets to celebrate another 12 months of integrated progress and to set out overarching ambitions for a system-wide 2023. Julian Patterson circulates the minutes

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Top holiday gift ideas for NHS leaders


It’s the thought that counts, but if you can’t be bothered to give present buying any, here’s a list of Christmas gift ideas for the special measures person in your life. Selected by Julian Patterson

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Government's hospital fabrication plan relaunched


In the latest (and only) development in the new hospitals saga, the government is blaming circumstances beyond its control for a small change of plan, writes Julian Patterson

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The pointless leader


Beverly ‘Bev’ Heaver is NHS Blithering’s head transformationalist and director of the New Perspectives Unit. Here she sets out her vision of perpetual change. As channeled by Julian Patterson

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Militant NHS directors threaten strike action


In the wake of the nurses’ ballot and as fears of further unrest rock the health service, another vital group of public servants could be about to down tools, reports Julian Patterson

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Time to pull the plug on the NHS


Julian Patterson is away this week, so he invited his sister-in-law, the right of centre columnist, commentator and busy working mum Tamara Buckshott, to step in

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The ancient art of passing the parcel


The NHS is not short of beds, it is short of ideas. Dr David Rummage, head of clinical innovation at NHS Blithering believes that innovation is the key to unleashing hospitals. Report by Julian Patterson

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It's war!


Tensions run high at NHS Blithering as Joy Hunter loses her cool and hasty plans are laid for a data-driven war-room, writes Julian Patterson

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National positivity strategy to put the smile back on the NHS's face


It’s never been more important for the NHS to look on the bright side - in fact, it’s now official policy. Julian Patterson reports

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How to ‘comms it’


When the money runs out and the workforce has quit, the ambitious NHS leader must learn to “comms it”. Martin Plackard has helpfully compiled a list of the vital terms that great NHS communicators should use in this time of crisis. As shared with Julian Patterson

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The grimmest of fairy tales


Traditional stories and rhymes have entertained and scared generations of children. Now we can all enjoy a good nightmare, writes Julian Patterson

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The never knowingly over-punctuated health secretary


What does an obsession with grammar tell us about the character of the new health secretary? Julian Patterson goes in search of the real Therese Coffey and the story behind her violent aversion to the Oxford comma

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Reading the warning signs


It’s the Blithering ICS board meeting. The NHS is lurching from crisis to disaster. Will David Rummage become its first victim? Martin Plackard hopes so. Minutes by Julian Patterson

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The Truss manifesto


The prime minister-in-waiting, Liz Truss, has been talking to NHS leaders about tough choices and the voices in her head. Julian Patterson has obtained a transcript.

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Do you have what it takes to be a leader?


Take this simple test to find out. Score one point for every word or phrase that strikes you as nonsense in these extracts from NHS Blithering ICS board papers. Find out what your score means at the end. Key metrics by Julian Patterson

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It’s time to hit the worried well where it hurts


In his bid for leadership of the Conservative Party, Rishi Sunak has proposed fining patients who miss appointments, but his ideas don’t go far enough, writes Julian Patterson

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Making a song and dance of it


Widely praised for adopting a discredited 1990s format to end the ambulance crisis, the new health and social care secretary now has a musical plan to cut waiting lists, writes Julian Patterson

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Welcome to the climate emergency issue, brought to you in conjunction with all news media. Special report by our heatwaves correspondent, Julian Patterson

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NHS braces for impact of highly contagious 'Barclay variant'


As the country is gripped by recent events in government, it’s easy to forget that we still face significant public health challenges. Here’s Julian Patterson with an update